I Asked God Why I Was Suffering...And My Pain Increased

I was 19 when I first cried out to God. It was a crisp fall day and the sun was shining. I was walking toward the library on my college campus and stopped for a moment, gazed into the sky and murmured under my breath, “God if you are supposed to be so good, why am I suffering so much.” 

I was angry and bitter, and didn’t understand why my whole life was crumbling around me. A year prior a close family friend had unexpectedly passed away, then a few months later my childhood best friend fell off a cliff to her death. Then I had another best friend who was really sick, and honestly didn’t know if she would make it or not. At the time, my friendships at school were crumbling and I felt like I had no worth. Depression and anxiety consumed me and it felt like there was no way out.

I thought that my life couldn’t get any worse, something had to give.

Though I now know that God was listening and near to me during that time, he didn’t answer my prayer at that moment and my life didn’t get any better. In fact, a few months later it got 10 times worse.

More conflict and pain came into my life a few months later, so much so that I had a complete mental breakdown. My thoughts sped at the speed of sound and I lost touch with reality. I entered psychosis and spent 2 weeks in the psych ward recovering from a manic bipolar episode.

It’s been over 10 years since this episode and today I can say that I’m not angry that God didn’t remove the pain from me when I first cried out to him. I’m not bitter that my life later shattered into a million pieces.

The truth is, oftentimes God needs to crush us in order for us to wake up. And sometimes he will allow us to go through trials like mental illness to bring us to the truth

Could God have prevented me from going into the hospital and suffering severe mental torment. Yes, 100%.

However, it was that episode that broke me down and removed me from an unhealthy environment filled with temptations and voices trying to take me down. When I got home, I was so hungry for truth and peace after experiencing so much confusion and chaos. For the first time in my life, my heart softened and I was genuinely open to going to church and learning about Jesus. Eventually, I surrendered it all and experienced a peace and joy my words don’t have the power to fully explain.

If you are still with me, I don’t want you to hear what I’m not saying. God does care very much about your mental health. He wants you to be whole and have a clear mind. He is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). Jesus suffered affliction on the cross so that by his stripes you might be healed (Isaiah 53:5). Since I was first diagnosed with Bipolar I have experienced profound healing in my mind and soul. On a day to day basis, I don’t struggle much with my mental health and have so much peace and security.

However, above all things, God’s main priority in this life is to lead you to Jesus to secure and maintain your eternal security—that is the main reason why Jesus came to earth. If suffering from a mental illness is necessary to wake you up and put your trust in Him, he will certainly allow it. Jesus cares more about the eternal state of your soul than anything else. Because the truth is this: there is no amount of anxiety, depression, fear, or confusion in this life that will ever remotely compare to eternal separation from God in the depths of hell for all of eternity.

If you are reading this today and are angry at God for the trials you have faced or are currently suffering, whether they be mental, physical, or relational, I get it and I hear you. I have been there.

I want you to know though that the presence of suffering doesn’t negate God’s goodness. And the things you are currently struggling with, God wants to use to bring you close to him and shape you into the image of Jesus.

One of my favorite verses that has kept my heart grounded and brought incredible peace and security throughout my struggles is this:

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the first born among many brethren.” Romans 8:28-29

God doesn’t waste an ounce of your suffering, but uses it all for your good. And very truly, any suffering on earth cannot compare with the glory that awaits you in heaven if you put your trust in Him.

“For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” Romans 8:18

So does God care about your mental health? Yes. But he cares more about your salvation. So trust in Jesus today. Only then, can true healing begin. 

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**I am not a mental health professional but am sharing all of this based on my personal experience. If you feel you need medical care, please seek a licensed mental health professional. Supernatural healing is wonderful, but God does work in different ways and healing, regardless of how it comes, is still a miracle and gift from God. The healing that I have received has been through a combination of supernatural intervention and deliverance, counseling, medication, and wise doctors.